wat bout pragnant strippers??
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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