just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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