My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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