Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
