He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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