she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
