I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
