new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
