Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
