Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
