This is not my ceiling
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
