I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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