Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
