I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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