I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Don't EVER smell your tampon
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
