i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
