if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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