When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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