Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
this hospital has no fireball
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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