so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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