Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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