fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
