Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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