So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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