Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
