there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
