i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
In America we eat man semen.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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