Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
