If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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