im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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