I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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