oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
