Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
This house was built for laser tag.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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