We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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