im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
