i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize