My nipple is on Facebook.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Randomize
