There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize