We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Two words: blizzard sex
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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