Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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