It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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