Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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