I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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