I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize