the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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