cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
