If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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