i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
