It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
soo... how was my night?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
