I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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