i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
