I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
