He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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