That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
